What's the deal? I get in the room and I couldn't shed my coat fast enough. That didn't do it, so I took the sweater off too and went with the tshirt. Now I got the window open. Aren't I too young for hot flashes?
Welp, I'm the proud owner of a new anus. That's right, that Spanish test ripped me a new one. It really helped that every word on the test was Spanish. Directions, questions, and all. I couldn't even start answering questions until I deciphered what I was supposed to do. And half the time, I didn't even understand that. Chances are, I was supposed to list what fruits and vegetables I want to buy at the super-market, but instead, I explained that ol' Juan over here should buy a bicycle instead of a second-hand car. I was lost as an Easter egg. But I blew that popsicle stand ten minutes after class was already over because Medina's next class was coming in and I'd hate to miss Ed. What a joke, but for real, we watched a really depressing video over health insurance. (Who is surprised?)
I need to pack up my livelihood and head to the library. Looks like I'll be spending some time there today. If I seem to disappear from the face of the earth, just go check the upstairs of the library. I'll probably be sacked out in a cubicle.
Monday, February 09, 2004
Sunday, February 08, 2004
i been bangin' my head against the wall
in my ears
artist: relient k
song: forward motion
For atleast the past week, I've been having trauma. A crisis, if you will. I was fairly certain I was going nuts or something of that nature. All the stress of sorting thoughts out, sorting identities out, sorting goals out, sorting direction out--all the stress of growing up--has had me bullied into a corner. There have been several things that have made me think twice and thrice about myself and what I'm doing and all the things my head and heart hold dear. (By the way, I'm sorry if I try to cram waaay too much into each sentence. These are things that I feel are sometimes too heavy to be held by words.) Those of you who know me probably have noticed that I've been quiet lately, and for that matter, I haven't blogged much. I would have blogged, but the only things that I felt like saying, I felt like I couldn't. The same goes for talking.
I'm not really sure I can formulate the words I need to express what's been going on. I'll put it this way, I have never felt such an uncertainty, a lost feeling in my life. I worry about all the things I have to do for school, but I couldn't muster any motivation to get them done. Instead, I was thinking, What's the point in doing all of this? I'm not even sure I want to be an English teacher, but time is hastening me toward that destination. Am I leading myself to a lifetime of unhappiness? Another thing, I suddenly miss my family uncontrollably. I suppose that is because so many things are changing. My sister's pregnant, and the reality of bringing babies into this world means bringing people into the world has begun to hit. My closest aunt is facing a severe, crippling illness that has completely sucked the life out of her. The simple fact that my parents are getting older even worries me. I know I'm probably at a point in my life where I don't need a "relationship," but for some reason, over the past couple months, I had convinced myself that I didn't even deserve one. I'm not really sure what disorders like anxiety and depression look like, but I was beginning to convince myself I could find out by looking in the mirror. Maybe these things don't seem all that bleak. After all, people with much more stressful and painful lives than mine are making it fine, but somehow that didn't matter.
At this point, you are probably wondering why on earth I have chosen to share this with you all. I'm still not 100% myself. One of those reasons is that it is not healthy to keep all of this to yourself. Honesty and openness may be painful, but a fake smile and tormented soul hurts worse.
I have spent more time praying these past couple days than I think I ever have in my life. The greatest debate that I've been having within myself has been the question of God. When you begin to doubt that one thing you've always thought you could believe in, it all comes crashing down. I'm not sure why I've been having these doubts, but I'm kinda glad I've had them. A person must find their own faith. You cannot call a faith your own (instead of a belief handed down to you from your parents or anyone else) until it has been challenged. And I realized today that I had asked for the challenge. I remembered that a week or so ago, I asked God to just break me. I knew I was too busy worrying about things that didn't matter, but I just couldn't get focused. And I've been broken. All these thing that have been plaguing my mind left me with nowhere to turn but up. And I do know that God exists and that He has created me for a purpose. For what purpose? I am not sure, and that has been the very root of my anxieties. What I do know is that He is in control. He has me here for a reason. He has a purpose for me that He will complete using the gifts and abilities He has given me. I don't need to worry about all the things this world demands of me and all the problems that are beyond my control because all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28) I'm not exactly sure where I'm headed in my life, but that's okay. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. (Proverbs 3:5-6) Between praying and crying and talking to my mom and crying and praying and crying and praying, I've found peace. And somewhere in the middle of this, I was reading a guy's blog that I check up on every now and then, and I read this:
"Life isn't all about being Happy. If happiness is your primary goal in life then you will be miserable a lot of the time. Life is about Jesus. It's about finding Him, getting to know Him and doing what He created you to do."
After all of this, I still have homework and side-projects to do. I still miss my family. I'm still single. I'm still an uncertain English education major. But I am certain that everything will be okay. All of the crazy things of this world will pass, but my God and my joy shall be eternal.
artist: relient k
song: forward motion
For atleast the past week, I've been having trauma. A crisis, if you will. I was fairly certain I was going nuts or something of that nature. All the stress of sorting thoughts out, sorting identities out, sorting goals out, sorting direction out--all the stress of growing up--has had me bullied into a corner. There have been several things that have made me think twice and thrice about myself and what I'm doing and all the things my head and heart hold dear. (By the way, I'm sorry if I try to cram waaay too much into each sentence. These are things that I feel are sometimes too heavy to be held by words.) Those of you who know me probably have noticed that I've been quiet lately, and for that matter, I haven't blogged much. I would have blogged, but the only things that I felt like saying, I felt like I couldn't. The same goes for talking.
I'm not really sure I can formulate the words I need to express what's been going on. I'll put it this way, I have never felt such an uncertainty, a lost feeling in my life. I worry about all the things I have to do for school, but I couldn't muster any motivation to get them done. Instead, I was thinking, What's the point in doing all of this? I'm not even sure I want to be an English teacher, but time is hastening me toward that destination. Am I leading myself to a lifetime of unhappiness? Another thing, I suddenly miss my family uncontrollably. I suppose that is because so many things are changing. My sister's pregnant, and the reality of bringing babies into this world means bringing people into the world has begun to hit. My closest aunt is facing a severe, crippling illness that has completely sucked the life out of her. The simple fact that my parents are getting older even worries me. I know I'm probably at a point in my life where I don't need a "relationship," but for some reason, over the past couple months, I had convinced myself that I didn't even deserve one. I'm not really sure what disorders like anxiety and depression look like, but I was beginning to convince myself I could find out by looking in the mirror. Maybe these things don't seem all that bleak. After all, people with much more stressful and painful lives than mine are making it fine, but somehow that didn't matter.
At this point, you are probably wondering why on earth I have chosen to share this with you all. I'm still not 100% myself. One of those reasons is that it is not healthy to keep all of this to yourself. Honesty and openness may be painful, but a fake smile and tormented soul hurts worse.
I have spent more time praying these past couple days than I think I ever have in my life. The greatest debate that I've been having within myself has been the question of God. When you begin to doubt that one thing you've always thought you could believe in, it all comes crashing down. I'm not sure why I've been having these doubts, but I'm kinda glad I've had them. A person must find their own faith. You cannot call a faith your own (instead of a belief handed down to you from your parents or anyone else) until it has been challenged. And I realized today that I had asked for the challenge. I remembered that a week or so ago, I asked God to just break me. I knew I was too busy worrying about things that didn't matter, but I just couldn't get focused. And I've been broken. All these thing that have been plaguing my mind left me with nowhere to turn but up. And I do know that God exists and that He has created me for a purpose. For what purpose? I am not sure, and that has been the very root of my anxieties. What I do know is that He is in control. He has me here for a reason. He has a purpose for me that He will complete using the gifts and abilities He has given me. I don't need to worry about all the things this world demands of me and all the problems that are beyond my control because all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28) I'm not exactly sure where I'm headed in my life, but that's okay. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. (Proverbs 3:5-6) Between praying and crying and talking to my mom and crying and praying and crying and praying, I've found peace. And somewhere in the middle of this, I was reading a guy's blog that I check up on every now and then, and I read this:
"Life isn't all about being Happy. If happiness is your primary goal in life then you will be miserable a lot of the time. Life is about Jesus. It's about finding Him, getting to know Him and doing what He created you to do."
After all of this, I still have homework and side-projects to do. I still miss my family. I'm still single. I'm still an uncertain English education major. But I am certain that everything will be okay. All of the crazy things of this world will pass, but my God and my joy shall be eternal.
Wednesday, February 04, 2004
these days, i wish i was six again
in my ears
artist: john mayer
song: 83
I'm taking a little lunch break before I, ahem, get low with some Poe. (I owe that specimen of homosexuality to Holly.) I've got plenty of things to do. The first rash of tests are on the horizon. Part of me wants to wish time away so it doesn't have to be quite as stressful, but being the optimistic person that I am, I know that things are just going to get more stressful as time passes. Here's another time and stress correlation for you: If I didn't waste so much time, maybe I wouldn't be so stressed.
artist: john mayer
song: 83
I'm taking a little lunch break before I, ahem, get low with some Poe. (I owe that specimen of homosexuality to Holly.) I've got plenty of things to do. The first rash of tests are on the horizon. Part of me wants to wish time away so it doesn't have to be quite as stressful, but being the optimistic person that I am, I know that things are just going to get more stressful as time passes. Here's another time and stress correlation for you: If I didn't waste so much time, maybe I wouldn't be so stressed.
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
it's not always rainbows and butterflies
in my ears
artist: maroon 5
song: she will be loved
So I've got this new look, eh? I'm not really sure if I like it or not. It's a little screwy. We'll see how it goes.
I haven't blogginated in a couple days, but for good reason. Not too much has happened. I'm afraid that's how the rest of the semester is going to be. Except for when I want to gouge my eyeballs out. That's interesting, right? I've resolved myself to be a bookworm this semester. I've been accused of being one before, but no, this is for real. It sucks, but I can't afford to get behind. Yesterday, I spent a couple hours in the library trying to get caught up. I didn't do so well. I did get some stuff done, but I'm not industrious, I guess. I have like zero motivation. It is not my nature to try to get things done before the last minute, but with my classes this semester, that's just not going to work. I think I'm going to spend time in the library every day of the week. Seriously. I know I could do my stuff in the room, but there are less distractions there. And I am probably less likely to fall asleep, although I did doze off a couple times in there yesterday... I'm not ready for my life be all hectic like this. Because I know it's never going to get easier.
artist: maroon 5
song: she will be loved
So I've got this new look, eh? I'm not really sure if I like it or not. It's a little screwy. We'll see how it goes.
I haven't blogginated in a couple days, but for good reason. Not too much has happened. I'm afraid that's how the rest of the semester is going to be. Except for when I want to gouge my eyeballs out. That's interesting, right? I've resolved myself to be a bookworm this semester. I've been accused of being one before, but no, this is for real. It sucks, but I can't afford to get behind. Yesterday, I spent a couple hours in the library trying to get caught up. I didn't do so well. I did get some stuff done, but I'm not industrious, I guess. I have like zero motivation. It is not my nature to try to get things done before the last minute, but with my classes this semester, that's just not going to work. I think I'm going to spend time in the library every day of the week. Seriously. I know I could do my stuff in the room, but there are less distractions there. And I am probably less likely to fall asleep, although I did doze off a couple times in there yesterday... I'm not ready for my life be all hectic like this. Because I know it's never going to get easier.
Sunday, February 01, 2004
living life in a crawl-space
in my ears
artist: Matchbox Twenty
song: Soul
I cannot believe I'm already going back to Murray tomorrow. I feel like I've been here for about thirty minutes. Okay, that's how long I was here last night before I headed out to Dale's.
*sigh* Yesterday, I made one of the stupidest mistakes I've made in quite a while. So Kara and I are rolling down the road. It'd been icy, so I wasn't going to take 293, right? Well, I thought, for some reason, I made the exit onto the WK. I'm rolling right along not paying any attention because I knew it was pretty far down the WK before I came to the Pennyrile exit. Sometime into the journey, my sister calls, and she was just wondering how close to home I was. I told her I was on the WK. When I got off the phone, Kara informed that we weren't. That's right. There went a sign saying we were on 24. (Yes, that's 24 east. To NASHVILLE!) And then we crossed the Trigg County line. So not only did I miss my exit, I went thirty miles in the wrong direction. You wonder how I went a full thirty miles without realizing it. Well, here's my explanation. I thought (I don't know why) that I was on the WK, and I did indeed see my exit. Here's the thing. After you drive a certain route, you just kinda recognize your exit signs without really reading what they say, right? I was going home a different way yesterday because of the ice, so that required me to not take an exit I would normally take so that I could take another one about twenty miles later. I saw one of "my" exits, but it didn't really occur to me that it said WK to Princeton/Elizabethtown, not 293 to Providence (the exit I was really supposed to not take). In my mind, I said, "Keep going. Stay on this and hit the Pennyrile." Instead, I ended up hitting 68 and 80 in Cadiz and going to Hopkinsville to get to the Pennyrile there. Do you understand the magnitude of this? We left Murray at 2:00. I got home around 5:30. *tears*
When I finally got home, I was supposed to meet Dale in an hour. Yeah, mom and pop weren't too happy with that. They haven't seen me for three weeks, and as soon as I set foot in the door, I left again. Dale and I went to Tumbleweed to get some wondersteak and then to Evansville to see The Butterfly Effect. Very good times.
Today, I woke up around 12:00 which means I got about seven hours of sleep. That's more than I've been getting. After chilling around the house and watching bits and pieces of Blow on USA, we went to Evansville to get my grammar handbook at Border's. Man, that place can make my babies. And then *drumroll* I finally got me a scarf and some cute gloves to match. We did the family thing and ate at Shoney's with Wade, Day, Uncle Pook, and Barbara. (Because you all know who these people are...) Anyway, that was fun. But now I'm pooped. I'm getting up at a fairly early hour to go to church in the morning, so I should probably go to bed. I want to cherish the sleep I can get. Who knows how late I'll be up tomorrow night with all this homework I have to do. I think I'll just quit school. Does that really sound like such a bad idea? I think I'll sleep on it...
artist: Matchbox Twenty
song: Soul
I cannot believe I'm already going back to Murray tomorrow. I feel like I've been here for about thirty minutes. Okay, that's how long I was here last night before I headed out to Dale's.
*sigh* Yesterday, I made one of the stupidest mistakes I've made in quite a while. So Kara and I are rolling down the road. It'd been icy, so I wasn't going to take 293, right? Well, I thought, for some reason, I made the exit onto the WK. I'm rolling right along not paying any attention because I knew it was pretty far down the WK before I came to the Pennyrile exit. Sometime into the journey, my sister calls, and she was just wondering how close to home I was. I told her I was on the WK. When I got off the phone, Kara informed that we weren't. That's right. There went a sign saying we were on 24. (Yes, that's 24 east. To NASHVILLE!) And then we crossed the Trigg County line. So not only did I miss my exit, I went thirty miles in the wrong direction. You wonder how I went a full thirty miles without realizing it. Well, here's my explanation. I thought (I don't know why) that I was on the WK, and I did indeed see my exit. Here's the thing. After you drive a certain route, you just kinda recognize your exit signs without really reading what they say, right? I was going home a different way yesterday because of the ice, so that required me to not take an exit I would normally take so that I could take another one about twenty miles later. I saw one of "my" exits, but it didn't really occur to me that it said WK to Princeton/Elizabethtown, not 293 to Providence (the exit I was really supposed to not take). In my mind, I said, "Keep going. Stay on this and hit the Pennyrile." Instead, I ended up hitting 68 and 80 in Cadiz and going to Hopkinsville to get to the Pennyrile there. Do you understand the magnitude of this? We left Murray at 2:00. I got home around 5:30. *tears*
When I finally got home, I was supposed to meet Dale in an hour. Yeah, mom and pop weren't too happy with that. They haven't seen me for three weeks, and as soon as I set foot in the door, I left again. Dale and I went to Tumbleweed to get some wondersteak and then to Evansville to see The Butterfly Effect. Very good times.
Today, I woke up around 12:00 which means I got about seven hours of sleep. That's more than I've been getting. After chilling around the house and watching bits and pieces of Blow on USA, we went to Evansville to get my grammar handbook at Border's. Man, that place can make my babies. And then *drumroll* I finally got me a scarf and some cute gloves to match. We did the family thing and ate at Shoney's with Wade, Day, Uncle Pook, and Barbara. (Because you all know who these people are...) Anyway, that was fun. But now I'm pooped. I'm getting up at a fairly early hour to go to church in the morning, so I should probably go to bed. I want to cherish the sleep I can get. Who knows how late I'll be up tomorrow night with all this homework I have to do. I think I'll just quit school. Does that really sound like such a bad idea? I think I'll sleep on it...
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