Sunday, February 08, 2004

i been bangin' my head against the wall

in my ears
two lefts don't make a right...but three do
artist: relient k
song: forward motion

For atleast the past week, I've been having trauma. A crisis, if you will. I was fairly certain I was going nuts or something of that nature. All the stress of sorting thoughts out, sorting identities out, sorting goals out, sorting direction out--all the stress of growing up--has had me bullied into a corner. There have been several things that have made me think twice and thrice about myself and what I'm doing and all the things my head and heart hold dear. (By the way, I'm sorry if I try to cram waaay too much into each sentence. These are things that I feel are sometimes too heavy to be held by words.) Those of you who know me probably have noticed that I've been quiet lately, and for that matter, I haven't blogged much. I would have blogged, but the only things that I felt like saying, I felt like I couldn't. The same goes for talking.

I'm not really sure I can formulate the words I need to express what's been going on. I'll put it this way, I have never felt such an uncertainty, a lost feeling in my life. I worry about all the things I have to do for school, but I couldn't muster any motivation to get them done. Instead, I was thinking, What's the point in doing all of this? I'm not even sure I want to be an English teacher, but time is hastening me toward that destination. Am I leading myself to a lifetime of unhappiness? Another thing, I suddenly miss my family uncontrollably. I suppose that is because so many things are changing. My sister's pregnant, and the reality of bringing babies into this world means bringing people into the world has begun to hit. My closest aunt is facing a severe, crippling illness that has completely sucked the life out of her. The simple fact that my parents are getting older even worries me. I know I'm probably at a point in my life where I don't need a "relationship," but for some reason, over the past couple months, I had convinced myself that I didn't even deserve one. I'm not really sure what disorders like anxiety and depression look like, but I was beginning to convince myself I could find out by looking in the mirror. Maybe these things don't seem all that bleak. After all, people with much more stressful and painful lives than mine are making it fine, but somehow that didn't matter.

At this point, you are probably wondering why on earth I have chosen to share this with you all. I'm still not 100% myself. One of those reasons is that it is not healthy to keep all of this to yourself. Honesty and openness may be painful, but a fake smile and tormented soul hurts worse.

I have spent more time praying these past couple days than I think I ever have in my life. The greatest debate that I've been having within myself has been the question of God. When you begin to doubt that one thing you've always thought you could believe in, it all comes crashing down. I'm not sure why I've been having these doubts, but I'm kinda glad I've had them. A person must find their own faith. You cannot call a faith your own (instead of a belief handed down to you from your parents or anyone else) until it has been challenged. And I realized today that I had asked for the challenge. I remembered that a week or so ago, I asked God to just break me. I knew I was too busy worrying about things that didn't matter, but I just couldn't get focused. And I've been broken. All these thing that have been plaguing my mind left me with nowhere to turn but up. And I do know that God exists and that He has created me for a purpose. For what purpose? I am not sure, and that has been the very root of my anxieties. What I do know is that He is in control. He has me here for a reason. He has a purpose for me that He will complete using the gifts and abilities He has given me. I don't need to worry about all the things this world demands of me and all the problems that are beyond my control because all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28) I'm not exactly sure where I'm headed in my life, but that's okay. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. (Proverbs 3:5-6) Between praying and crying and talking to my mom and crying and praying and crying and praying, I've found peace. And somewhere in the middle of this, I was reading a guy's blog that I check up on every now and then, and I read this:

"Life isn't all about being Happy. If happiness is your primary goal in life then you will be miserable a lot of the time. Life is about Jesus. It's about finding Him, getting to know Him and doing what He created you to do."

After all of this, I still have homework and side-projects to do. I still miss my family. I'm still single. I'm still an uncertain English education major. But I am certain that everything will be okay. All of the crazy things of this world will pass, but my God and my joy shall be eternal.

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