Thursday, February 26, 2004

the passion

in my ears
night to remember
artist: joe diffie
song: it's always somethin'

Courtesy Holly's RealPlayer, I'm getting a good dose of country. I'm not exactly sure where she is, but she left her music going.

Despite all the tests, the past couple days have been good. Midterms, though, are about draining. I have two tests next week, I think, and maybe that will wrap up the midterm rush. Nothing like an Ed test to boost my confidence at the end of a series of tests. I'll need some sort of reassurance after that Spanish test I have on Monday. I literally almost cried when Medina announced that we'd be having the test then. I've got DiscipleNow this weekend, so there will be no Spanish study-time. But that's cool. Looks like Sunday night is going to be an intimate night with Tu Diras, my textbook.

The Passion of the Christ is amazing. Go see it. Or experience it, rather. If you've ever had a difficult time realizing the tangibility of the sacrifice of Jesus, this film will make it a reality for you. The last thing I wanted to do is put Jesus in the confines of Hollywood. I had to constantly remind myself that this was a very accurate portrayal of my Lord on that movie screen. This isn't just some legend. It's reality. And though only two tears made their way down my face, I was physically ill. And my heart knew something that I can only describe as a mixture of sorrow, humility, several degrees of anger, and a form of love that is far different than any worldly definition of the word. What I was experiencing was not a feeling. When people say they left the movie theatre speechless, they don't kid with you. When a person realizes the magnitude of what they've just seen, there is an overwhelming of the heart, the mind, and the body. And this isn't just a movie that leaves you with your head cocked to the side for a couple days. It's the Truth that changes your life forever.

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

gettin' 'er done

Today got 'er done. Well, it got a lot done, but not all of 'er. Got that Hovie test out of the way. It wasn't as bad as I thought. We'll see how far sexual favors go when I get my test back... Speaking of such, we had our Bruton test today. What a joke. I'm so glad that class is over. Technically it's not over because I still have to turn in my final project, but I don't have to go to class anymore. That's good enough for me. I still have stuff to do. I have Spanish homework for tomorrow, a grammar test on Thursday, and I have to finish my LOR project. I need to get to crackin' on all of that right now because tomorrow night I have a discussion panel I have to go to, RCC, and then I'm going with Ash and Les to see The Passion of the Christ. I'm really excited about seeing that. I think it's something I need to see. Something everyone needs to see.

It's taking all I've got to keep myself from piling up on the futon and taking a huge nap. That's what I really want to do. Sleep until supper. And then after that, we're going to see Maya Angelou at RSEC. In case you're wondering, I pronounce it an-gel-low. Maybe tonight the pronunciation score will be settled once and for all.

I just got through writing a card to Victoria. I love sending cards. But too often, I'm just too lazy to actually buy them. They're a lot of fun. I like getting them, too.

Well, I'm having a hard time keeping my head up. I think I'll get my online Spanish work done and then pretend to do some reading on the futon. If sleeping with a book lying beside me counts as reading...

Monday, February 23, 2004

what's bacon? stupid cows...

in my ears
the love below
artist: outkast
song: hey ya!

So yesterday when I was wasting s'more time, I learned something fun. BTE's "Cry In The Sun" is quite an easy song to play. That's such a good song. Maybe they aren't guitar masters, seeing as how I can play some of their songs with ease, but their lyrics make up for it. Even when you can't tell what they're saying or understand what they mean when you can, they'll getcha every time.

I had a thoroughly exciting realization on the futon this morning. I was reading the DiscipleNow curriculum and I realized there are only five sessions. There used to be six! But that's cool because that's less for me to study. Plus, having six sessions over two days was overwhelming. This is really exciting for me. You should be excited, too.

It's 'bout that time to get busy studying for this ever-dreaded Hovie test that will become an actuality tomorrow, but before I do, allow me to share with you the genius of one of my fellow English students. It's people like this who make wonder about my education and the well-being of all humankind.

Hey Group Three,
How many times have you used the so-called word "becareful?" I know for a fact that I have used it several times and I have even used the word today! I was typing a reaction paper for my theatre class earlier this afternoon and I used typed in "becareful" and a red line came up underneath the word. I looked at the word and made sure I was spelling it correctly and to my knowledge it was spelled just as I have always been taught. I right clicked on it and looked at the suggestion and it showed to seperate the "word" as "be careful." This made me curious so I decided to look it up in several dictionaries and grammar books and I did not find it in any of them. My point is "becareful" is not actually a word at all! The dictionary does not show it and there is no sign of it in the two grammar usage handbooks that I am using. What do you guys think about that?

ARE YOU SERIOUS? This was posted on my grammar class' discussion board for our weekly usage journal. I have the hardest time believing that this student's not kidding. *sigh* What is this world coming to?

Sunday, February 22, 2004

procrastination at its best

Okay, so I have a million things to do. But that's right, I just sat here for the last forty minutes and conjured up this new color scheme. Yeah, it looks a little Valentinesy, but what can you do? I like it. And I'm getting pretty skilled and stealthy at HTML. Well, I can't compose my own page template, but I can tailor one to my needs like a champ. Sometimes I amaze myself...

behind the melody, the words don't mean a thing

in my ears
this side
artist: nickel creek
song: beauty and the mess

I like today. I went to the park for about three hours or so to try to get stuff done. And I did. I've studied four out of the six sessions for DiscipleNow weekend, which is this coming weekend. I also worked on my essay question that will comprise fifty percent of my American lit midterm. I feel strangely comfortable with that essay question. But alas, tomorrow I have to get busy with studying for the other fifty percent: true/false and quotation IDs. Eek. But I did feel productive today. I had to. This week is going to be some scary business. I've got something major I need to do for just about every day, and just about every night I have something major I have to do that has nothing to do with the things I have to do during the day. This week will probably make me want to pull my hair out, but I think it will be rewarding.

I feel the need to devote a little paragraph here to music. (Music is a religion and I am its god. No, not that.) But I have to say that over the past couple days, I've found a lost love. Bluegrass. Not necessarily your old school bluegrass, but Nickel Creek and Alison Krauss and Union Station stuff. And country music is a lot of fun, too. It's not quite as lyrically and musically complex as other genres, but it's feel-good music. Hmm, that's funny because so many people think country music is nothing but a bunch of downer music. And some of it is, and I sometimes really like that, too. But country is good riding-'round-with-windows-down, singing-at-the-top-of-your-lungs music. I really love me some good guitar, good lyrics that you can find only in rock. I don't know much at all about punk, but I should only listen to Relient K when I'm by myself because I can get really embarrassingly excited. I can even get into some pop, R&B, hip-hop, and rap, but not quite as much. (I must ashamedly confess I can spout off some Eminem with the best of 'em.) When the mood strikes, I admit, I even like some Celtic music. Other genres I really love every now and then are jazz and blues. I guess in some ways, all of these genres cross over, which only makes sense. It's all music.

Now that I've written a book on the transcendent unity of music, I think I'll get back into the homework groove. I have some perpetual homework to do. You know, the kind that never ends, busy work, essentially. Catch ya on the flipside, homes.

Saturday, February 21, 2004

can i get another guinness?

Bleh. That's about how I feel. It's a pretty day outside, though. Thus far, I've accomplished the following: breakfast, laundry, talking to my sister on the phone, and pseudo-studying for my Hovie midterm. My greatest accomplishment probably is that 320.9 distance I got on this little animal cruelty game I've been playing. But the little penguin is so cute flying through the air after it's been batted across the arctic...

Last night was a lot of fun. There's really nothing like your residential college head offering to buy you a cold one when you turn twenty-one. And then there was the riding around looking at apartments for Ash and Les. Many of them we looked at got the "Cass' Stamp O' Disapproval." "I ain't gon' have my friends living in no dimly lit ghetto next to Cape Fear over here..." "But really. If they'd just hide the hitches on those trailers, they'd really be classy." We also had to send out a search party to find a satisfactory public restroom in Murray. I don't believe I've ever laughed so hard in a Kroger restroom. As a matter of fact, I don't think I had ever been in a Kroger restroom... Then we took a trip to Paris. Because that's what you do when you've got nothing better to do, right? Good times were indeed had.

Welp, I'm gonna go work on some DiscipleNow stuff. Or maybe I'll work on my penguin distance. I should really get my priorities straight.

Thursday, February 19, 2004

my baby don't mess around

in my ears
friction, baby
artist: better than ezra
song: king of new orleans

It's been a good day, by golly. I can probably attribute most of the goodity of it to the wonderful weather. I loooove it. I wish it'd stick around.

So I went to the BSU's open mic coffee house tonight instead of studying Spanish or reading humanities. It was worth it, I must say. Between the acoustic version of "Hey Ya," the Irish jig this guy played on the fiddle (...or should I call it a violin?), and the most perfect rendition of my favorite Relient K song "For the Moments I Feel Faint," I was thoroughly impressed. There were a lot of other really good performances, too. I didn't, however, partake in any of the coffee. I'm not really sure why. It smelled good...

I should really be employing myself in some act of productivity, but eh, I think I'll go to bed. I did print off my English Education curriculum checklist today. *whimpers* I have more courses left to take than I've taken already. It's sad and scary. At this rate, I might graduate before I reach middle age. But we'll see.

Wednesday, February 18, 2004


in my ears
artist: john mayer
song: hummingbird

It's been a day o' John. Holly and I started it off with a little underground. That got us to carrying on about how we're excited about the concert. I then decided I needed to see what his setlists are looking like for this tour. Fabulous, they are. And there's this new song, Hummingbird. So I ran off to download it, and when I was looking for the lyrics, I found out the Clarity video has been released. Then ensued the hot pursuit for access to that. I must say, I love John. Even though this new song sounds like "Colors of the Wind" meets Coldplay meets Jamaica and the Clarity video on VH1 has to buffer every three seconds, the audio/video is off, and the audio completely cuts out halfway through, I love him.

With all this Johnity, it's been an alright day. The humanidades test was doable. But then there was the return of the Spanish test. Yeah, I got a 75. Which, you know, I guess isn't too bad since the class average was in the 60s. Ol' Jorge wants to tell us that we need to study more. I'm sorry, but we're not all that stupid. There was something wrong with that test. And if we should really be able to know everything on that test, something's wrong with his teaching. Maybe he shouldn't waste all of the class-time talking about cannibalism and speed limits. Sheesh...

Well, I suppose I need to start being productive. I've got waaay too many things I need to be doing. Luckily, after next week, there'll be no more LOR. But, goo, that means this semester is half over. I can't believe it. Time passes so quickly, it is scary.

I'll leave you with a final quote. Someone told me a wise man once said this:

Everything we do is motivated by two emotions. Hope and fear.

Sunday, February 15, 2004

here we come a-wassailing

in my ears
artist: rascal flatts
song: mayberry

I'm in a pretty good mood. It's been a while, I must say. I mean, I haven't been down and out like I kinda was there for a while. But today, I'm just in a good mood. To commemorate the event, I busted out the Vans. What does that mean? I don't know. (Must be Holly's.) But they sure are comfortable...

The parents and I Cracker Barreled and WalMarted today. I also took them on a driving tour of campus. I felt like a tried and true student ambassador. Anyway, that overall visit was good.

I really don't know what the good mood's about. I guess it was just the good weekend. Valentine's Day usually makes me want to gouge my eyeballs out, but nope. Not this time. I guess I really didn't think about it too much. I guess the worst was always high school. Sitting in fifth block listening to announcement after announcement of the list of people who had received flowers, only hearing my name on those years when my mom or my sister decided to send me a little something. Depressing, eh? This year, I don't know if it was the lack of having it rubbed in my face or because I had other things on my mind or if I'm cool with singledom (I doubt it's that one...), but I had a good one. But I'm still looking forward to the year when I can enjoy the holiday for what it is.

who will save me from all i'm up against out in this world

I spent Valentine's Day with the family. I guess that's fitting. Mom and Dad met me at Sissy's, and we hung out there and ate. Then we came back to Murray, and we were chillin' at the Days Inn. (That almost sounds like a song...) Dad, of course, decided to sack out on one of the beds and saw some logs. Mom and I watched some TV and talked. It was a good time. Personally, I was a fan of the moment when we were talking about John Mayer, and when we looked at the TV, there he was. He was on the Dave Chappelle show. Amazing. Amazingly beautiful.

Welp, this is a short post, eh?

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

call it torture, call it university

in my ears
artist: better than ezra
song: cry in the sun

Somehow, today felt as if it was semi-productive. I'm not sure why. Because that Ed test was such a massive undertaking. Yeah, right. I read some ol' Emily Dickinson for Hovie. We sent out some bid packet questions to the insane folks who wish to "help" with that thing. (The only way to help with it is to keep it from exisiting.) I spent something like two-hours being Captain RCC at the Valentine's Day dinner. It was fun, really, just sitting around talking to people. Cleaning up wasn't so much fun. If you would like to experience one of the stranger things in life, fill a garbage bag with hot spaghetti sauce and see what it feels like. Eck. In other "productiveness," I watched some American Idol and beautiful Adam Brody on the O.C. See, it was a productive day...

So my parents are coming down this weekend. That's going to be good. I love my parents. I believe part of growing up is learning to appreciate your parents. At least I believe it is for me. I have been blessed with parents truly love me and do all they can for me. I, by no means, understand all the sacrifices that are involved in being a parent, but if and when I have children, I hope that am able to show them the love my parents have shown me.

Sorry about the mush lately.

I should probably do a little magnetic poetry. I have this wonderful magnetic poetry calendar that Ashley got me for my birthday. Last month, I had a poem I really liked, but I didn't write it down. I wish I had've. But this month, I just can't think of anything. Each month has an assignment type thing to guide you in your poetic endeavors, but for February, of course, it suggests writing a poem about love. Bleh. As Justin and I decided, the magnetic poetry company doesn't offer enough expletives to make the poem work. But I'll see what I can do. And then I'm either going to go to bed or maybe I'll just continue my HTML help-desk services. Probably the latter because I'm not all that tired. I guess my ten minute power-nap really got 'er done this afternoon.

Monday, February 09, 2004

porch swing swayin' like a tennessee lullaby

What's the deal? I get in the room and I couldn't shed my coat fast enough. That didn't do it, so I took the sweater off too and went with the tshirt. Now I got the window open. Aren't I too young for hot flashes?

Welp, I'm the proud owner of a new anus. That's right, that Spanish test ripped me a new one. It really helped that every word on the test was Spanish. Directions, questions, and all. I couldn't even start answering questions until I deciphered what I was supposed to do. And half the time, I didn't even understand that. Chances are, I was supposed to list what fruits and vegetables I want to buy at the super-market, but instead, I explained that ol' Juan over here should buy a bicycle instead of a second-hand car. I was lost as an Easter egg. But I blew that popsicle stand ten minutes after class was already over because Medina's next class was coming in and I'd hate to miss Ed. What a joke, but for real, we watched a really depressing video over health insurance. (Who is surprised?)

I need to pack up my livelihood and head to the library. Looks like I'll be spending some time there today. If I seem to disappear from the face of the earth, just go check the upstairs of the library. I'll probably be sacked out in a cubicle.

Sunday, February 08, 2004

i been bangin' my head against the wall

in my ears
two lefts don't make a right...but three do
artist: relient k
song: forward motion

For atleast the past week, I've been having trauma. A crisis, if you will. I was fairly certain I was going nuts or something of that nature. All the stress of sorting thoughts out, sorting identities out, sorting goals out, sorting direction out--all the stress of growing up--has had me bullied into a corner. There have been several things that have made me think twice and thrice about myself and what I'm doing and all the things my head and heart hold dear. (By the way, I'm sorry if I try to cram waaay too much into each sentence. These are things that I feel are sometimes too heavy to be held by words.) Those of you who know me probably have noticed that I've been quiet lately, and for that matter, I haven't blogged much. I would have blogged, but the only things that I felt like saying, I felt like I couldn't. The same goes for talking.

I'm not really sure I can formulate the words I need to express what's been going on. I'll put it this way, I have never felt such an uncertainty, a lost feeling in my life. I worry about all the things I have to do for school, but I couldn't muster any motivation to get them done. Instead, I was thinking, What's the point in doing all of this? I'm not even sure I want to be an English teacher, but time is hastening me toward that destination. Am I leading myself to a lifetime of unhappiness? Another thing, I suddenly miss my family uncontrollably. I suppose that is because so many things are changing. My sister's pregnant, and the reality of bringing babies into this world means bringing people into the world has begun to hit. My closest aunt is facing a severe, crippling illness that has completely sucked the life out of her. The simple fact that my parents are getting older even worries me. I know I'm probably at a point in my life where I don't need a "relationship," but for some reason, over the past couple months, I had convinced myself that I didn't even deserve one. I'm not really sure what disorders like anxiety and depression look like, but I was beginning to convince myself I could find out by looking in the mirror. Maybe these things don't seem all that bleak. After all, people with much more stressful and painful lives than mine are making it fine, but somehow that didn't matter.

At this point, you are probably wondering why on earth I have chosen to share this with you all. I'm still not 100% myself. One of those reasons is that it is not healthy to keep all of this to yourself. Honesty and openness may be painful, but a fake smile and tormented soul hurts worse.

I have spent more time praying these past couple days than I think I ever have in my life. The greatest debate that I've been having within myself has been the question of God. When you begin to doubt that one thing you've always thought you could believe in, it all comes crashing down. I'm not sure why I've been having these doubts, but I'm kinda glad I've had them. A person must find their own faith. You cannot call a faith your own (instead of a belief handed down to you from your parents or anyone else) until it has been challenged. And I realized today that I had asked for the challenge. I remembered that a week or so ago, I asked God to just break me. I knew I was too busy worrying about things that didn't matter, but I just couldn't get focused. And I've been broken. All these thing that have been plaguing my mind left me with nowhere to turn but up. And I do know that God exists and that He has created me for a purpose. For what purpose? I am not sure, and that has been the very root of my anxieties. What I do know is that He is in control. He has me here for a reason. He has a purpose for me that He will complete using the gifts and abilities He has given me. I don't need to worry about all the things this world demands of me and all the problems that are beyond my control because all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28) I'm not exactly sure where I'm headed in my life, but that's okay. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. (Proverbs 3:5-6) Between praying and crying and talking to my mom and crying and praying and crying and praying, I've found peace. And somewhere in the middle of this, I was reading a guy's blog that I check up on every now and then, and I read this:

"Life isn't all about being Happy. If happiness is your primary goal in life then you will be miserable a lot of the time. Life is about Jesus. It's about finding Him, getting to know Him and doing what He created you to do."

After all of this, I still have homework and side-projects to do. I still miss my family. I'm still single. I'm still an uncertain English education major. But I am certain that everything will be okay. All of the crazy things of this world will pass, but my God and my joy shall be eternal.

Wednesday, February 04, 2004

these days, i wish i was six again

in my ears
any given thursday
artist: john mayer
song: 83

I'm taking a little lunch break before I, ahem, get low with some Poe. (I owe that specimen of homosexuality to Holly.) I've got plenty of things to do. The first rash of tests are on the horizon. Part of me wants to wish time away so it doesn't have to be quite as stressful, but being the optimistic person that I am, I know that things are just going to get more stressful as time passes. Here's another time and stress correlation for you: If I didn't waste so much time, maybe I wouldn't be so stressed.

Tuesday, February 03, 2004

it's not always rainbows and butterflies

in my ears
songs about jane
artist: maroon 5
song: she will be loved

So I've got this new look, eh? I'm not really sure if I like it or not. It's a little screwy. We'll see how it goes.

I haven't blogginated in a couple days, but for good reason. Not too much has happened. I'm afraid that's how the rest of the semester is going to be. Except for when I want to gouge my eyeballs out. That's interesting, right? I've resolved myself to be a bookworm this semester. I've been accused of being one before, but no, this is for real. It sucks, but I can't afford to get behind. Yesterday, I spent a couple hours in the library trying to get caught up. I didn't do so well. I did get some stuff done, but I'm not industrious, I guess. I have like zero motivation. It is not my nature to try to get things done before the last minute, but with my classes this semester, that's just not going to work. I think I'm going to spend time in the library every day of the week. Seriously. I know I could do my stuff in the room, but there are less distractions there. And I am probably less likely to fall asleep, although I did doze off a couple times in there yesterday... I'm not ready for my life be all hectic like this. Because I know it's never going to get easier.

Sunday, February 01, 2004

living life in a crawl-space

in my ears
more than you think you are
artist: Matchbox Twenty
song: Soul

I cannot believe I'm already going back to Murray tomorrow. I feel like I've been here for about thirty minutes. Okay, that's how long I was here last night before I headed out to Dale's.

*sigh* Yesterday, I made one of the stupidest mistakes I've made in quite a while. So Kara and I are rolling down the road. It'd been icy, so I wasn't going to take 293, right? Well, I thought, for some reason, I made the exit onto the WK. I'm rolling right along not paying any attention because I knew it was pretty far down the WK before I came to the Pennyrile exit. Sometime into the journey, my sister calls, and she was just wondering how close to home I was. I told her I was on the WK. When I got off the phone, Kara informed that we weren't. That's right. There went a sign saying we were on 24. (Yes, that's 24 east. To NASHVILLE!) And then we crossed the Trigg County line. So not only did I miss my exit, I went thirty miles in the wrong direction. You wonder how I went a full thirty miles without realizing it. Well, here's my explanation. I thought (I don't know why) that I was on the WK, and I did indeed see my exit. Here's the thing. After you drive a certain route, you just kinda recognize your exit signs without really reading what they say, right? I was going home a different way yesterday because of the ice, so that required me to not take an exit I would normally take so that I could take another one about twenty miles later. I saw one of "my" exits, but it didn't really occur to me that it said WK to Princeton/Elizabethtown, not 293 to Providence (the exit I was really supposed to not take). In my mind, I said, "Keep going. Stay on this and hit the Pennyrile." Instead, I ended up hitting 68 and 80 in Cadiz and going to Hopkinsville to get to the Pennyrile there. Do you understand the magnitude of this? We left Murray at 2:00. I got home around 5:30. *tears*

When I finally got home, I was supposed to meet Dale in an hour. Yeah, mom and pop weren't too happy with that. They haven't seen me for three weeks, and as soon as I set foot in the door, I left again. Dale and I went to Tumbleweed to get some wondersteak and then to Evansville to see The Butterfly Effect. Very good times.

Today, I woke up around 12:00 which means I got about seven hours of sleep. That's more than I've been getting. After chilling around the house and watching bits and pieces of Blow on USA, we went to Evansville to get my grammar handbook at Border's. Man, that place can make my babies. And then *drumroll* I finally got me a scarf and some cute gloves to match. We did the family thing and ate at Shoney's with Wade, Day, Uncle Pook, and Barbara. (Because you all know who these people are...) Anyway, that was fun. But now I'm pooped. I'm getting up at a fairly early hour to go to church in the morning, so I should probably go to bed. I want to cherish the sleep I can get. Who knows how late I'll be up tomorrow night with all this homework I have to do. I think I'll just quit school. Does that really sound like such a bad idea? I think I'll sleep on it...