Wednesday, December 31, 2003

a laundry list of all my wrongs

Tonight was a good time with Holly, Dale, Rally's, Lord of the Rings, and John Mayer. (That's in chronological order.) It's been a while (Staind) since we three (kings) have been together. Good stuff.

So it's New Year's Eve. How 'bout that? I can't believe it's going to be 2004 in less than twenty-four hours. It would be really neat and things if I could come up with a list of fabulous things that happened this year, but I don't know what those would be. It's been an interesting year, I guess. A year of change. I think I've done a lot of growing up this year. 2003 was my first full calendar year in college. I turned twenty this year, so I'm not a teenager anymore. I've dealt with changes in an old friendship and had a ton of fun making new ones. Through a little friendly influence, I decided to try to play guitar. I don't know, I can't think anything else very significant about this year. Um, I had my first wreck. I got to go see John Mayer in concert. So it's been a good year, but I'm looking forward to next year. It's cliche' and all, the new beginning each year offers, but I like the idea. I'm not much on resolutions because I never keep them, but there is one little thing I'd like to work on. Being less afraid. Trying to go to sleep last night, I realized how much of a fearful person I am. I actually fell asleep listing to myself the things I'm afraid of. It went a little something like this:

I'm afraid of commitment.
I'm afraid of responsibility.
I'm afraid of having an opinion.
I'm afraid of making decisions.
I'm afraid of being vulnerable.
I'm afraid of being alone.
I'm afraid of change.
I'm afraid of rejection.
I'm afraid of failure.
I'm afraid of audiences.
I'm afraid of saying goodbye.
I'm afraid of being first.
I'm afraid of growing up.
I'm afraid of reality.
I'm afraid of the future.

Some of these I am more afraid of than others. And I know some of these are normal human fears, but I let them have their way more than I should. Some of them are product of each other. I'm afraid of making decisions because I'm afraid of commitment. I'm afraid of the future because I'm afraid of being alone. It is a sad thing, living in fear. It's paralyzing. It keeps me from moving forward. And it's sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy. Even if I'm afraid of doing something, the future is inevitably going to come, and I'm going to be left with exactly what I fear. Nothingness. I don't know how successful I will be at this, but I'd like to overcome some of these fears. Maybe I won't be able to do it in 2004, but maybe I can start there. It'll be a part of growing up, which I reportedly fear according to my list. But maybe I'll get over that, too.

Monday, December 29, 2003

i tell the truth 'cept when i lie

I ripped this off a friend who ripped it off a friend of a friend's xanga. Follow that? Yeah, me neither...

1. Copy this whole list into your journal.
2. Bold the things that you have in common with me.
3. Whatever you don't bold, replace with things about you.

1. I want to make John Mayer's babies.
2. I want a CD player that works all the time. Not just when it's 70+ degrees outside.
3. What the hell is a sheep umbrella?
4. I'm going to be in KY for Christmas break.
5. I love Rally's.
6. I don't know your mom.
7. I love computers.
8. I like driving.
9. I am not on anti-depressants.
10. I hate techno.
11. I have socks on right now only because my feet are cold. Otherwise, I'd be barefoot.
12. I am NOT obsessed with Mr. Bryant.
13. I <3 EASY finals.
14. I live with my best friend.
15. I broke an arm when I was three, but I don't remember which one it was.
16. Can I have my cake? Can I have you too?
17. I'm underage to drink.
18. Turtleneck sweaters make me claustrophobic.
19. I never had a boyfriend all through high school.
20. I drive a Buick.
21. This thing is cake compared to a 60pg. lab report.
22. My mom hates rap music.
23. I would rather watch a sappy movie than a fighting one.
24. I've never been out of the country.
25. I'm tired of having never been kissed.
26. I'm supposedly going to be a high school English teacher.
27. I think I want kids.
28. I was in gifted and talented classes in grade school.
29. TGI Friday's service is horrible.
30. I have a freaking car.
31. My eyes change colors.
32. Pets are cool, but I'm fine without one.
33. My dorm room does have carpet.
34. I have no living grandparents.
35. I didn't read cold mountain.
36. Libraries and book stores rock my face off.
37. I'm not a senior in high school.
38. My parents aren't divorced.
39. I cry during movies.
40. I've never seen fight club.
41. Shoestring fries are okay, but crinkle-cut are the best.
42. There shouldn't be Cracker Barrels north of the Mason Dixon line.
43. I haven't seen Marilyn Manson in concert.
44. I grew up on Roseann.
45. I really don't like being in pictures.
46. I think...way too much.
47. I can vote next year in the 2004 presidential election.
48. I've not lived in more than one dorm, ahem, residential college.
49. I wonder what cruel soul put an 's' in the word 'lisp'.
50. I hate kittens.
51. I do have a uterus.
52. But I'm not on birth control.
53. I liked Little Mermaid's hair.
54. Harry Potter is an okay fellow.
55. Ashley's fashion idol is another okay fellow, but he's cuter than Harry Potter.
56. I'm a college sophomore.
57. I've never been in a long distance relationship.
58. I'm out of high school.
59. I don't immediately delete answering machine messages.
60. My legs are hairy.
61. I like simple things.
62. I do care.
63. I don't miss high school.
64. My computer has miraculously escaped getting a virus.
65. I have hazel eyes.
66. I can SOMETIMES focus when I want.
67. I think I have OCD.
68. I don't like to sing solos in front of people.
69. Matt B's pizza and cheese bread gets two enthusiastic thumbs up.
70. I enjoy traveling.
71. I love road trips with my friends.
72. I hate people.
73. My mom ruled Dr. Mario on the original Nintendo.
74. I'm afraid to drive that extra 10 miles with my gas light on.
75. John Cusack films win.
76. I am Captain Nostalgia.
77. I've had both blonde and red highlights.
78. I'm not cool enough to be on scholarship.
79. I think I don't always know when to give up.
80. I watch VH1 way more than MTV.
81. High school me and college me could have a civil conversation.
82. If I had exboyfriends, I'd keep their letters, but vow to throw them all away when I really fall in love.
83. I don't have glasses or contacts.
84. I talk to myself.
85. I have nothing but each ear pierced once.
86. I was not a high school athlete.
87. I have one sister.
88. I have treated a hard boiled egg as a child for one week.
89. I want to be loved. Badly.
90. I've never been arrested.
91. I'm a hopeless romantic. Someone sweep me off my feet.
92. I've flown in an aeroplane.
93. I play a little guitar.
94. I live in a little house on the "highway."
95. I care what those who are close to me think of me.
96. I love the smell of gasoline.
97. I usually talk myself out of buying stuff that I want.
98. I'd really, really like to get some flowers.
99. The best place to buy t-shirts is Goodwill.
100. Though I haven't heard it yet, I'd put money on the prospect that Ben Harper's live album makes the best love makin' music.

Saturday, December 27, 2003

i've seen fire and i've seen rain

Life sure is boring when all you do is sleep. I've been stuck in this house since Christmas Day, and I've had it. I've seen too much TV. I saw about 150 of the VH1's 200 Greatest Pop Icons, or whatever they are. I've also been listening to some of the music I got for Christmas. Right now, I'm listening to Nickel Creek's This Side. Why, oh, why did I wait 'til now to get this CD? I really enjoy them. Of all of the CDs I got for Christmas, this was one that I didn't previously know a song on, but I knew I'd still like it. I was definitely right.

Despite the crapity of how I feel, I'm dragging my butt out of this house and going to Dale's in a little bit. We're renting the first two Lord of the Rings movies. He says I'm going with him to see the third one, so I guess I better get up to speed, huh?

Well, with the lack of interest in my life, it's time to end this post. I'm just going to end with this little bit of information. Having seen more TV than any human should ever see in the past 48 hours, I've seen lots of infomercials. Have you seen the one for the James Taylor CD? (Yes, KS.) There are some shots of him when he was younger where he was absolutely beautifully hot. He may be bald on top with some huge eyebrows now, but there was a time when was quite a hottie. I thought y'all should know that.

Friday, December 26, 2003

i got a disease, deep inside me

Yo, yo, what up, dawgs? It's been several days since I've posted. For the first day or two, it was because I was just doing the busy holiday thing. Now it's because I feel like poo. I guess I've just caught what's going around. And it sucks. Wah wah, right? Yeah, I guess so.

The holidays have been good to me. I think Dale and I officially went to all of each other's family things. Santa was nicer to me than I expected him to be since I had already gotten all kinds of stuff. But Mom insisted that I ask for something, so I compiled a list of CDs for her to pick from. I figured she'd get me two or three, but she got them all. That was fun. So I've got plenty of good music to be listening to.

*sigh* I don't know what else to say. I'm tired. And I want to do is go to bed. I miss all of you people out there.

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

you can hug scooter

As I told Holly earlier, I just wish someone would rip my arm off and hang it from the rafters of Heorot. It's popping and grating (as calls it) like a million little wing'd mankeys. I guess I need to go to the doctor. Boo. I don't like them people. Maybe if I ignore it, it will go away. Or fall off.

I went Christmas shopping with Dale and his sister today. That was fun, though I didn't really get much shopping done. Actually, I only bought one thing. It's a Wonderful Life on DVD for Mom. But for the most part, I just kinda hung out with them while they did their shopping, which was cool. I got to meet Dale's managers at Best Buy. And I finally made a decision on my gift. I got the Love Actually soundtrack. I'm excited.

Tonight, instead of being a non-existent child, I went with the family (Mom, Dad, Wade, and Day) to Jeri's in Clay. That was a good time. We sat with the owner and his son at the booth because our normal round table was taken. (That's what I love about WebCo.) Anyway, they are both so cute. The little boy is two and just precious. Kids like him make me want to have children.

Well, since tomorrow, the 23rd, is my family's official Christmas shopping day and I sure haven't accomplished much so far, Mom and I are going to go get 'er done. Or at least try to. I can't believe Christmas is almost here. It always sneaks up on me like this. And before I know it, it'll be gone.

Monday, December 22, 2003

feels like the end of the world this sunday night

Well, I didn't die, though I felt like I was going to. I sang and played. Yep, I sure did. I think it was the scariest thing I've ever done in my life. I guess it went well, but I came home and cried. I don't know, I guess it was just a build up of emotion being released. I was so nervous. And then after it was over, I felt vulnerable. That's the only word I can find to describe it. I mean, as soon as the thing was over, I grabbed my guitar and went to the car. I got home, and I couldn't explain it. I just crashed face-down on the couch and cried. And it wasn't because I felt like I did a bad job. I felt like I had professed my undying love to someone, and they didn't return the favor. Does that make sense? Because it's not an accurate analogy. I mean, sheesh. All I did was play a song. Musical performance has an adverse effect on me, I suppose.

That's about all I have to say. I'm tired, and I'm going to bed. All this anxiety and catharsis has down-right worn me out.

Sunday, December 21, 2003

it's colder than it looks outside

When I opened this page, there was something I really wanted to say, but for the life of me, I cannot remember. (Ah, yes. The Verve Pipe. I was wondering where that came from...) I think I was thrown off by the fact that I started a post last night but was too tired to finish it, so I saved it as a draft. Now it's not there. Oh, well. It wasn't much or I guess I would've finished the thing. A few highlights, if you want to call them that, I remember: I hate Evansville. Hanukkah gifts are coming from this side of the Ohio. I went to Dale's family's Christmas thing. Good times. I think that's where I fell asleep at the keyboard.

Well, all you people out there, hold on to your seats. Guess what I'm doing tonight. I'm singing and playing at our little Christmas thing at church. I know, I know. I'm as scared as you are. And I know you are scared. Anyway, I'm singing "What Child Is This?" It's my favorite Christmas song, and it's just four little chords (Am, C, G, E). But I can't sing, so I don't even know what I think I'm doing. I keep telling myself that it's not going to be so bad. I mean, it's not a formal thing. It's basically a bunch of people sitting around, talking, eating, and what not, and people get up and sing or play or whatever they do. They can't laugh too hard at me, can they? Oh, well. I'm not doing it for them anyway...

Alright, dawgs. I guess I need to practice or something. I'll keep y'all posted on whether or not I survive. Or if the people listening survive. *whimper*

Saturday, December 20, 2003

i've these dreams i'm walking home, home where it used to be

Well, it's been another nothingful day. I slept a lot later than I meant to. I shall not concede to the time of my awakening. All I know is that I jumped up, might've mumbled a few expletives, and went and got me some Honey Bunches of Oats. As I ate my wonderful cereal, I thought of the dreams I had. They involved a convenient store, my FFG mom's car, some tornadoes (there are always tornadoes in my dreams), some clapping Santa Claus lawn-ornaments, me and Ryan in some cheaply made medieval costumes, and an appearance by a man who looked just like one of my late uncles but said he was "just a friend of his." I'm not sure what I smoked before I went to bed, but it didn't mess.

So Mom wouldn't let me be social tonight. On a Friday night. What'd I do wrong? I couldn't figure it out either. So I accompanied her and Dad to Wade and Day's. This is the first time in my life I've been to their house this close to Christmas without the tree being up. That's kinda sad.

I came home and confirmed family get-together plans with Dale for tomorrow. I've been talking to my B/F/F/ (yes, I typed that right) who has finally returned from the dead. Talked to Justin a little. I miss them boys. :'( Anyway, I haven't done much of anything else. My existence is nothing short of boring. But I'm going to bed. My head is about to implode, and Mom and I are supposed to go to Evansville tomorrow morning. Maybe I can get some Hanukkah shopping done. I guess I need to, huh? It's getting down to the wire.

Friday, December 19, 2003

i think i could stay with you for a while

I just got through talking to Becca on messenger. I miss her. I have a hard time thinking of a time when we've been together and not laughed until we hurt. Sheesh, so much stuff changes. It's been a year since we were roommates. In that year, we've completely grown apart. But not in a bad way really. I guess we're going to be those kind of friends that can go forever without seeing or talking to each other, but can pick up right where we left off. Maybe we weren't the best of roommates, but she'll always be one of my best friends. She's got a boyfriend, and she's so happy. And I'm so happy for her. I need to meet this guy. I told her that we need to get together some time over break. It's crazy that we have to come home to see someone we go to school with.

So all this relationship talk with Becca and some other things have me wondering. When's it going to happen? I see people like Becca who are so happy because love fell out of the sky and whapped them in the face. I see other people who are desperately searching to find it and only come out broken-hearted. I guess I'm going to keep doing what I've always been doing. Nothing. Waiting. Living my life hoping that one day I'll trip over it and fall face-down in it. I really don't see any sense in hunting it down, tying it up, and beating it with a stick until it agrees to come home with me. Something about that just doesn't seem right. And maybe I'm just too idealistic. A hopeless romanitic. Or maybe I just have too good of a time making metaphors and personfications of love.

Thursday, December 18, 2003

and another sound rushes through my mind

So I'm not doing a good job of keeping up with posting on a regular basis. Wah, wah. Yesterday was too depressing to blog about. It was Meme's funeral. Seeing Arenda that upset just really got to me. I hate seeing people cry like that. It makes me cry. And then Richard, my brother-in-law's dad, was scheduled for prostate surgery tomorrow, but he had a heart-attack last night. So he had a heart cath (what's that?) today, and they are talking about a double or triple by-pass either later in the week or next week. See. Yesterday wasn't good blogging material.

Today, I slept in as usual. Did my normal nothing and then went to Dale's. We went to Fazoli's again so that turkey submarino could rock my world again. Then we went to the movies. Since I hadn't seen the first two Lord of the Rings movies, we didn't see the third, though that's what he really wanted to do. We ended up watching The Last Samurai. It was actually pretty good. Tom Cruise is all grown up. It's weird thinking that actors that we've always thought were hot (although I'm not much of a Tom Cruise kinda girl) are getting older. It's like Robert Redford. My mom used to talk about how good looking he is, but until I acquired that sick attraction to old men, I didn't understand. To think that future generations will only think Tom Cruise is hot if they like "old guys" is just crazy. Mmkay, that was about a random spiel, huh?

I've started this paragraph three times, and every time I think I've something to talk about, I decide it's not worth it, highlight it, and delete it. Oh, remembered something. I got my grades, and I made all As. Yeah, my socks were knocked off. I had at least three classes that I could've had Bs in, but somehow I managed to narrowly escape. So what did I learn this semester? How to cheat and lie. I never read Possession, but I faked my way through a final exam that was all about that book. I did two out of twelve hours of observation for EDP, and apparently, Lewis bought my BS on those other ten hours. Now, I did nothing but my best in creative writing, and I think I'm most proud of that A. And I guess BarbCobb didn't eff my world up too bad. And what can I say about Spanish? I'm practically Mexican.

Alright, well, I'm tired and out of things to say, so I'm callin' 'er quits. Nite.

Monday, December 15, 2003

feels like home to me

Mmkay, I'm going to try to get back in the normal groove of blogging.

Today hasn't been much, but days at home usually aren't. When Mom and Dad got home, we went to the funeral home to see Meme. It is so weird to see a bunch of people from that family that I haven't seen since we all were kids. Now, it takes us a full thirty seconds to recognize each other. A lot of that has to do with the baby in their arms or the kid hanging on their leg. It is so weird, this growing up thing. And the awkwardness of a funeral home always gets me to thinking about it. Life and death. Anyway, once Mom and I finally dragged Dad away from the poor people he was torturing, I mean, talking to, we decided to do a little Tumbleweed for supper. (What did I ever do with those "I Need The 'Weed" stickers that Arenda and I stole from there a year or so ago?) It was Margarita Monday, and Mom decided she needed two. Heck, they were 99 cents. I don't blame her. So when we got home, Dad and I left her in the car for a little bit (I don't think she noticed) while we looked at the stars. You know, I don't think you can see the stars in Murray. I really don't know if you can see a celestial anything. I never remember seeing stars, the sun, the moon, or even clouds. I don't like that. But tonight, it is so clear. I haven't seen this many stars in forever.

Well, I'm talking to Ashley about her Nyquil addiction. It's good to know that both of my moms have been under the influence tonight. I take comfort in that.

I do miss school a little bit. But I think I've come to realize the feeling of home. Yeah, I guess home is a place. Like WebCo, or whatever. But home is also people. A feeling you get when you talk to them or are just with them. It just feels right. You can't just find that anywhere. Or in anybody.

get low, get low

Word, dawgs. I haven't blogged in a month-a sundies. I had an alright weekend. Friday night, I went shopping with Dale. After making three trips around the mall and a stop at KB Toys, he finally got his shop on and came out with three sweaters, a pair of jeans, and some awesome shoes. I think I love guys' clothes. We did a little Fazoli's, which I'm usually not too crazy about, but that turkey submarino about rocked my face off. We also rented The Italian Job, which was pretty good as well. And I made it home by my curfew for that night--with two minutes to spare. 12:58 am. (Just so you know, my "curfew" tends to change according to what kind of mood Mom and/or Dad is in, what day of the week it is, and of course, the weather.)

Saturday. I don't remember much about it. Well, yes, I do. I woke up somewhere around 11:30 to hear that Meme had passed away. That's my cousin Arenda's grandmother. And it was Arenda's birthday and the day before her college graduation. We were supposed to go to Berea for the graduation, but we knew the weather wasn't going to be good. The whole situation was/is kinda rough. I guess I'll be going to the funeral tomorrow. Arenda's getting to come home for the funeral, but she's missing finals. (Yeah, she has finals after graduation. Weird.) But they're letting her make them up. Just so y'all know, I love my cousin Arenda. That's what we call each other. She calls me her "cousin Sassy." We're retarded. No, really, we are.

Yesterday, after church, we went to Harbor Freaking Freight in Evansville. It's this huge kinda hardware store thing. Mom and I bought Dad a drill and an awesomely cool level with a laser on it with Dad in the store. I had to hurry my way through the checkout and get it in my car before Dad saw me, but it didn't work. He saw me at the checkout, but he just turned his head like a kid who'd just been caught, and pretended he was looking at some three-piece set of cutting boards. It was kinda cute. When I was wedging all this crap in a Journeys shoe bag in my trunk for inconspicuous safekeeping, I somehow scratched the fire out of my hand. It still hurts. *sniff sniff*

Last night, I went to Dale's again. We went to Best Buy and got him a video card for his computer. Then we were supposed to go get me a Christmas present. Yeah, he told me I could pick out anything I wanted from anywhere and he'd get it. I panicked. Is it terrible that I couldn't think of something? It's not that I couldn't really think of anything, but I didn't want to just pick anything. I don't know. I never came up with anything. Feel free to give me any ideas. Then we went and ate at Johnny B's. We went back to his house and I watch him play some computer game for an hour or so, and then we just went riding around on random roads until it was time for me to go home. I was so proud. We were in straight up BFE. Neither one of us knew where we were at for quite some time, but we kept making turns. (Such the smart thing to do close to midnight when it is freezing cold.) And then I recognized some, I don't know, trees or something and realized that we were in Zion. He's supposed to be Captain I'm Never Lost, but I identified our surroundings first. So the score is something like: Dale - 23,734 Cassidy - 1 . Anyway, I didn't make it home by my "curfew" last night. It was supposed to be 12:00. But the way I look at it, if I call and say I'm coming home by my curfew time, I'm okay.

Okay, I apologize for this monstrosity of a post that is nothing but what I've done for the past couple days. I could easily avoid this situation if I just posted more often, huh? Yeah, well, I'm going to go play a little guitar and then get in the shower. Gaw, I love being home.

Friday, December 12, 2003

they said she died easy of a broken-heart disease

Well, I'm home again. I likedtonotta got out of Murray. After I drug my stuff down the stairs to my car in four loads, I realized that I locked my keys in the room. Luckily, Jessica didn't make me officially check out the key. I had a good trip home and all that kinda thing. Haven't done much since I've been here. Played a little geeter. Talked to Mom. I don't know. I've been here for ten hours and I don't even know what I've been doing. That's a great feeling.

But I do have a story for the what, two of you who don't know it. 'Round about 11:17 today, I was driving to Faculty Hall to drop off my Notations stuff at 7C. There was what appeared to be a road-blocky-thing up there by Hester where they normally conduct those things. When I pulled up, a police-officer-lady asked me if I had time to spare and if I wanted to be in some video. Granted, I looked like crap and had to be back from this little trip by 12:00 for our Back Yard Burger excursion, but I'm afraid of law enforcement people, so I agreed. So me and two police officers faked a little thing they call a "safety check-point," but the officer who was giving me the spiel could never get his lines right. He was a cute old man, but I think the camera-man was not happy with his acting skills. Of course, I had only one line: "Thanks." Because that's the appropriate response for when an officer thanks you for wearing your seat belt... But I didn't argue. Anyhow, the woman officer noticed while she was "inspecting my license plate" that I'm from Henderson County. Turns out, she's from Robards, right up the road from me. So I don't know if me and the Buh-yoo-ick are going to be famous or anything. They'll probably use it for an officer training video, or maybe a traffic school video. Hmm, I'll ask Ashley if she sees me on there...

I plan on sleeping much of tomorrow away. I'm supposed to meet Dale at Best Buy at 5:00. I think we're going shopping. How funny is that? Maybe I'll buy some Hanukkah. And then Saturday I'm supposed to go to Berea for Arenda's graduation that is on Sunday. But there might be weather. They're calling for two inches around here, so no telling what it'll be like up that way. There's no way Dad would let us go. He's already freaking out, telling me that I'm going to die unless I'm home by 10:00 tomorrow night. Apparently, at 10:01 pm the road is going to freeze up into a solid sheet of ice and I'll end up upside down in a ditch somewhere. But just like Dad told me tonight, if I ever get pinned in my car like that, the first thing I need to do is kill the engine. If I can get out of there, I'm not supposed to worry about my purse. If I run back to get it, the car might explode on me. This is the point where Mom and I both yelled at Dad and told him to shut up with his safety tips. He's real good at that, you know. I remember one night when I was in high school, he sat me down and told me atleast five ways I could die going down the road. One of which did include overturning into a deep, deep ditch of deathly icy water. Atleast two possibilities included deer. (Saw the 293 Deer today, by the way.) One had something to do with the deer knocking my headlights out and me needing a flashlight to shine down the road as I drove. Another involved the deer jumping through my windshield and kicking me to death. Ladies and gentlemen, never again wonder why I am paranoid schizophrenic.

Sheesh, I am tired. But I feel like a kid who has just been told that just for tonight, they don't have a bedtime. I'm fighting sleep, but I don't know why.

Well, I sat here for something like five minutes trying to think of something clever to end off this blog with. No dice.

Wednesday, December 10, 2003


Nothing quite puts you in the Christmas spirit like selling books back. I don't know if I've ever left Bradley Book Company a happy, or even content, person. But atleast I wasn't irate like I was last time they screwed me over. I left with $45.25 this time. I think that's the most I've ever gotten back. I coulda got more from the University bookstore if my humanities book wasn't jacked up. I ponder exactly what I could do with it. I already had planned to throw it at something, and when I returned to the 2E, there stood Lesil, who got to sell her book back. So I threw it at her. I might've broken her hip.

Well, school is done for. We had that humanities final this morning. It doesn't matter that we had a three hour hardcore study session last night. BarbCobb effed up my world, let me tell you. But I don't even care clip.

So now we're on the downhill slide. All I gotta do is pack. Nothing left for school. So maybe it resembles something more like a cliff rather than a hill. A cliff I could jump from, maybe? Nah, I don't feel the need to jump off one anymore, but had you pointed me towards a cliff anywhere between 8:00 and 9:30 this morning, I woulda come a-runnin'.

I gotta submit my short story and poetry to Notations, too, but that's no big deal. A matter of printing this stuff off and taking it to the seventh floor of Faculty before noon tomorrow. I really hope I get something published in there. I would like to see my short story in there, but most of all, I just want "Children of a Melancholy Mother" to make it. Ann, my poetry professor, despised that poem and I don't know why. I really liked it. It would make me ecstatic to see it published in there just prove Ann wrong. But truthfully, it's not that great of a poem. It would just be a nice little gesture of literary revenge. Hmm, as a matter of fact, I should probably go submit that stuff right now. I don't want to have to mess with it tomorrow, though I don't know what time Faculty Hall closes during finals. I guess there are still finals for night classes going on.

Alright, well, I'm out.

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

a hundred bad guys with swords

I am always so happy after finals. I mean, I still have two left, but the weight of two has been lifted off of me. So much so that I walked back from Faculty Hall with Janitha singing Disney songs. I am fully aware that makes me a homosexual seven-year-old, but what can you do? I took our picture. I also took Lance's picture on the elevator this morning. It's a sad time, those two going to Spain next semester.

This afternoon, Justin's gonna come over, and we're going to "study" for our EDP final. That ought to be fun. The "studying," that is. I'll be so glad to be done with that class. It was definitely the worst. It was just a burden having to go to a class so late in the day and worrying about all those observations that I never did. But as time wore on, I realize ol' Lewis ain't that bad. After all, he is god.

My sister called while I was out partying--I mean, taking finals. She wants me to call her back. I hate calling her at work. I feel like I'm intruding and it's some uncover operation because she whispers and stuff. Strange times. But I guess if I was a patient at the gyno, I wouldn't want to listen to my nurse talk to her sister either.

Monday, December 08, 2003

making friends with shadows on my wall

I don't if I have anything to blog about, but it's in the one o'clock hour of the morning and: I'm not too tired. (Have I even been up for twelve hours yet?) Nobody's online to talk to. I don't want to study for my finals, even though that's probably the one thing I should been doing.

I love school and all, but I am so ready to go home. And think most people would agree with me in saying that all of us just need to get out for a while. Of course, a month is a long time. But for mental health purposes, it's time for some new scenery. I miss going out with my family. And just knowing what's going on. Being away at college just completely puts me out of the loop. Not just with home, but the world. I should really start watching the news or something. Ha. The theme music from CNN Headline News reminds me of being home, actually.

So I started this out saying that I wasn't tired, but now I'm yawning all over the place like a mankey. And all this yawning is making my head hurt. There's nothing else to do and I don't have anything to say really, so I think I'm going to go to bed. And lay there and think about things.

Sunday, December 07, 2003

if it ever gets bad, i mean really bad

So the Freak Suite Retreat was good tonight. And by good, I mean depressing. Good lord, after Love Actually, I couldn't find a bridge, a cliff, a pit of poisonous snakes, a pit of quick-sand, a seat in Lesil's car fast enough. It's nice to know that love actually is all around us, or whatever the theme of that movie was, but it also did a nice job of pointing out that love actually is one thing I really wish I had. I mean, I love people, and I'm sure there are some people out there who love me, but love. A lot of people like love stories because it reminds them of what they have or what they will have or whatever, but of course, it reminds me of what I don't have. But even worse, it makes me fear what I may never have. I think I would be okay if I knew that one, five, ten, thirty years down the road, I would find the love of my life, that person that will make my world complete, that person who I will share the most perfect bond with. But nothing guarantees that. And that mortifies me. I know I am being pessimistic, but you know, what can you do? I have a problem with logic. I have this idea in my head that because I've never had a boyfriend, my chances of falling in (mutual) love are considerably slimmer than those who have had relationship after relationship. Maybe that's the biggest fallacy known to man, but the only way you can convince me otherwise is by showing me the moment when it happens. And my problem comes full circle.

Friday, December 05, 2003

with the likes of lloyd and stacey may

This has got to be about the most depressing thing I've ever seen. I was wasting my life away at Quizilla, and I took this quiz that is supposed to tell you what movie you'd most likely be in. I was really cool with the "What Kind of Soul Do You Have" quiz that said I have an artistic soul. It was flattering. But this?:


What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla

blindness & kindness, there's no difference in the two

Today has been pretty relieving. Skipped HUM, so I'm done with it except for the final. I'm going to miss creative writing, but I feel so good to have my final draft of my story done and turned in. And I got everything out of the way with EDP. That final will be a joke. Now, I just have to muddle my way through another class of English pretending I've read more than three and a half out of twenty-eight chapters of that mutha-friggin' book. I'd like to stick Possession square up Marcie Johnson's aaaah, I think I'll be a good girl and not say that.

We did a little B-Town excursion tonight. We sat in the Bonus Room and looked at Marshall County yearbooks. Why are we obsessed with yearbooks? And we can't just look at them. No, we have to critique them Cat-Dawg style. That woman'll leave a scar on your life in more ways that one. Anyhow, there's nothing like going out as a family to look at Everything You've Ever Wanted (Or Not) For Your Car With Flames On It and Christmas lights. God save the Queen.

I'm not one to toot my own horn, right? And I don't think it's the Christmas spirit. But you know, I do some nice stuff every now and then. Like, I got a 96 on a PowerPoint presentation. ;-) So what if the person who gave the grade was giving a favor, too? And I gave Courtney my "them cookies." Merry Christmas, papi.

Tomorrow is the last day of class. I'm sorry, I just can't express my excitement enough. Like some broken-a** Tupperware, I can't contain myself.

Thursday, December 04, 2003

on an evening such as this, it's hard to tell if i exist

I could go to sleep right now. Much of today seems hard to remember. This week is slipping by, and before I know it, Christmas break will be here. All the stress of school will be on a four week hiatus. Four weeks sounds so long. So much can happen in a month.

So I about have all my stuff done. Tomorrow will begin the end. By the end of the day, I will be finished with three of my classes--one in which I don't even have a final. That's creative writing. I'm going to miss that class, that group of people, so much. I'll take my camera, just in case the opportunity to take a picture presents itself. So I have to finish revising my story, collect my portfolio, and pick out a poem and a passage of my story to read. We're having a reading party. Whoops, I forgot to buy food. Eh, oh well.

I have noticed that I don't begin to appreciate something until I see it walking out the door. I have done this a lot. I realize just how cool certain people are right before they are about to be taken out of my life, and I only have a few moments to spare. Today, I realized how much I'm going to miss Eric PrePharm in my Spanish class. He's just too cool. And Michelle from my English classes. And what about that Bill guy from EDP? Where've these people been all semester? Good question.

Though I'm not really sure what I've been thinking about, I feel like my mind has been working over-time to get something sorted out. I feel like I'm trying to understand something, have an epiphany of some sort. I feel like I'm on the verge of grasping the meaning of life or something. Okay, maybe that's a little drastic, but I just don't feel settled. Like I need to stop everything I'm doing and collect my thoughts. It's chaos up there in my mind. And it doesn't look like it's going to get a chance to chill the eff out for a little while. I'm looking forward to that moment, when I breathe a sigh of relief. But from what? I'm still figuring that out...

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

won't be the first heart that you break

Why do I feel like I haven't blogged in a month of Sundays? I really do not know. I blogged twice yesterday. Eh, it's been a long day.

For starters, we got HUM. Bleh. Then there was the four hour delving into EDP work. I finally got it all done, but I missed an entire hour of creative writing. I waltzed in with fifteen minutes left, and I got there just in the nick of time to do the one thing I wanted to do. Rip Kelli a new one. Gaw, that was fun. They had already workshopped Don's story AND gotten past the "positive comment" portion of Kelli's. This hate in my heart will probably send me to hell. Where am I going and why am I in this handbasket? After EDP, I dropped in on the Sigma Eta meetings. Ashley keeps yelling at me for coming in late, but I don't get out of class until 5:15 and the meetings are at 5:00. Sigma Eta and Lance Lee (I mean, the Foreign Language Club...) keep screwing me over. But atleast I promised to be in Sigma Eta, but really, I just should've promised to eat Sigma Eta food. That's all I really do. Show up to the meeting after the "meeting" part is over and get some pizza. But today, I had a special treat with my pizza. Hopefully it was my hair.

Well, we gave the 231 an over-haul. We almost got 'er done, but I thought I'd take a blog break while Holly took a Real World break. I gotta figure out what I'm going to do with my books. I guess I could put them on the bookshelf. What a novel idea! Even better, I could use them. But that's just not cool.

Monday, December 01, 2003

you can't take the honky tonky, take the honky tonk, out of the girl

So everyone's doing another one of those survey things, and of course, that makes me want to do one to. But I thought I'd be all different and do another one. So I went to ForwardGarden and got this one:

1)If you had to choose any word or combination of words to be your new name, what would it be?
Hamartia Peripeteia Anagnorisis Sophrosyne

2) When was the last time you told someone how much you appreciated them?
In a round about way, I basically told my mom this weekend. I love my mommie.

3) Should that have been more recently?
That was actually pretty recent, but I don't tell a lot of people that as often as I should.

4) Where do you feel most happy?
I feel happy at school with my friends after I've been home for a long time, and I feel happy at home with my family when I've been at school for a long time. You know how it goes...

5) Do you subscribe to an organised religion?
Oh, look. The author is British. Anyway, I don't particularly care for the way this question is worded, but I am a Christian, if that's what we're getting at here.

6) Did you make that choice as an informed rational decision?
Huh? What? Oh, yeah. Somebody strapped me down, injected me with anesthetics, and made that decision for me. Sheesh.

7) Does it matter if you didn't? why not?
Okay, apparently I didn't read all these crazy questions before I decided to do this survey.

8) How old do you feel?
Well, I'm twenty. I don't know that I feel like it, but I do feel older than I used to. I guess that's normal and healthy.

9) Can you change the world?
If I could be king. Even for a day.

10)Red or black?
Hmm. This is hard. I used to really dislike red, but it's growing on me. However, I'm going to stick with black.

11) Republican or Democrat?
I prefer not to associate myself politically. As a matter of fact, I just don't like making decisions.

12) Conservative or Labour?
Huh? Okay, yeah. Whoever made this is not an American. Can anybody tell me what this means? Anything like conservative and liberal?

13) Why do questions always come with only two options?
That's funny, 'cause this one didn't.

14) What do you enjoy above all else?
I've always loved music, and over the years, through a lot of friendly influence, I've come to appreciate it a great deal more. It's one of the greatest artforms. You can manipulate music, and music can manipulate you. That's powerful.

15) What makes a good song?
Well isn't this convenient? I think it depends on your state. Sometimes, all it takes for a song to be good is a good beat. But more often than not, it takes lyrics that make you say, "Man, I know exactly what this guy/girl's saying. Why couldn't I put it into words like he/she did?" What it boils down to is a nice balance, a sophrosyne if you will, of both. That's the beauty of it. It's boundless.

16) Is money the root of all evil?

17) So what is?

18) What is evil anyway?
The absence of good.

19) If you had to teach people something you knew about, what would you want to teach them?
I don't know anything. That's why I'm going to be a teacher.

20) Why are you taking this survey?
Because I'm wasting time. As usual.

21) Are you a thinker or a doer?
Definitely a thinker. That's not good is it?

i mean, c'mon, it's not like we've known ourselves that long

Boy, how I'd like to take a nap. But I have too much stuff that I should be doing, and blatantly taking a nap would just make me feel guilty. However, I have no reservations about squandering away my time by blogging. It's always the same story, folks.

I got my research paper back. I got an 88.5. What kind of grade is that? Point five? She's a strange one. Anyway, I'm happy with that grade considering I didn't even come close to meeting any of the requirements. She basically said I'm a good writer, I just don't write enough. Maybe she should ask me to write about myself. I seem to be able to do that at a lengthy measure, huh? Next time, I'll be sure not to write a research paper on a poem that has been critiqued for a million years. Sheesh.

Lesil is over there listening to John. That warms my heart. All the little beebies are growing up, listening to John. She said something that really got me here *points at heart* last night. See, I burned her a CD of Heavier Things and the other essentials: Tracing, Love Soon & Sucker, and the triad of Why Did You Mess With Forever, Man on the Side, and Covered in Rain. Last night she said something to the effect of this, "What number do those extra songs start on? Eleven? Yeah, those songs are awesome." I could've cried. Like Ashley the day I bought my Vera.

I'm a dork. (As if you didn't know already.) But I have a picture of me and my uncle Wade sitting here on my desk. It's such a fun picture, which is wild because I'm in it. I don't even know what I'm doing with my mouth, but I think I'm laughing out loud. Anyway, I love him. I miss my family. Like aunts, uncles, and cousins. My mom's side of the family (which is basically all of my family) is a ton of fun. They're loud and hilarious. I look forward to being able to hang out with them over Christmas. I can't wait, really. I miss being at church too. A lot of those kids are really fun. John Michael's about a retard, but he's precious. And I noticed yesterday, his hair is getting so curly. He could possibly have the hair to mouth ratio.

It occurs to me that I haven't had a good cry in a long time. And I feel one coming on, though I'm not sure why just yet. All I know is that my tear reservoir is full and needs a sweet release.