Wednesday, December 31, 2003

a laundry list of all my wrongs

Tonight was a good time with Holly, Dale, Rally's, Lord of the Rings, and John Mayer. (That's in chronological order.) It's been a while (Staind) since we three (kings) have been together. Good stuff.

So it's New Year's Eve. How 'bout that? I can't believe it's going to be 2004 in less than twenty-four hours. It would be really neat and things if I could come up with a list of fabulous things that happened this year, but I don't know what those would be. It's been an interesting year, I guess. A year of change. I think I've done a lot of growing up this year. 2003 was my first full calendar year in college. I turned twenty this year, so I'm not a teenager anymore. I've dealt with changes in an old friendship and had a ton of fun making new ones. Through a little friendly influence, I decided to try to play guitar. I don't know, I can't think anything else very significant about this year. Um, I had my first wreck. I got to go see John Mayer in concert. So it's been a good year, but I'm looking forward to next year. It's cliche' and all, the new beginning each year offers, but I like the idea. I'm not much on resolutions because I never keep them, but there is one little thing I'd like to work on. Being less afraid. Trying to go to sleep last night, I realized how much of a fearful person I am. I actually fell asleep listing to myself the things I'm afraid of. It went a little something like this:

I'm afraid of commitment.
I'm afraid of responsibility.
I'm afraid of having an opinion.
I'm afraid of making decisions.
I'm afraid of being vulnerable.
I'm afraid of being alone.
I'm afraid of change.
I'm afraid of rejection.
I'm afraid of failure.
I'm afraid of audiences.
I'm afraid of saying goodbye.
I'm afraid of being first.
I'm afraid of growing up.
I'm afraid of reality.
I'm afraid of the future.

Some of these I am more afraid of than others. And I know some of these are normal human fears, but I let them have their way more than I should. Some of them are product of each other. I'm afraid of making decisions because I'm afraid of commitment. I'm afraid of the future because I'm afraid of being alone. It is a sad thing, living in fear. It's paralyzing. It keeps me from moving forward. And it's sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy. Even if I'm afraid of doing something, the future is inevitably going to come, and I'm going to be left with exactly what I fear. Nothingness. I don't know how successful I will be at this, but I'd like to overcome some of these fears. Maybe I won't be able to do it in 2004, but maybe I can start there. It'll be a part of growing up, which I reportedly fear according to my list. But maybe I'll get over that, too.

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