Sunday, April 03, 2005

caution with the wind

in my ears
artist: century century
album: mad in my mind
song: sorry i miscalculated

Today, I became several things I never thought I would be.

First off, I truly felt like an adult. Albeit, I'm wearing my hair in Minnie Mouse-esque buns. But at Victoria's party, she pointed to me and told one of her friends, "Hey, that's my aunt." I don't know that I can explain how old those words made me feel as they rang in my ears.

I believe I became a feminist today. Please refer to earlier post.

To the shame of many, I became a liker of a Dishwashers song. I believe it's called "Heartbreak." It's very unlike any other song I've heard from that band. And I have to say, this my, like, eighth Dishwashers show, counting the ones I didn't actually stay for their set for. Four, counting the ones I did. Not really grooving (Dianna!) with them usually, but that song, I like. I'm sorry.

I'm not sure how sorry I am to relate this to you. I became a smoker tonight. I don't know if I became a one-time smoker or a social smoker, but I prom promised I wouldn't become a chain smoker. These are the words I never thought I'd write. But there they are.

You know, I looked at myself in the mirror, and I didn't look any different. Yeah, I looked pretty gross, but I didn't wash my hair today. But I guess I've changed. I'm not so sure that the old saying "you can't knock it unless you've tried it" gives me license to take up any old habit, but let's be honest. What I did tonight is not so very different from what I've done for the last twenty-one years. Cigarette smoke has been in my lungs all my life. But putting the cigarette to my lips with my own hand doesn't make me any more or less of a person.

That's what I have to tell myself.

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