Monday, July 12, 2004

enough, enough

I'm fairly certain I was more than a little asleep when the guy from Murray Electric knocked on my door this afternoon. I barely remember him being here, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't take some kind of techinician to do what he did. Whatever, I now have the internet.

The past week or so had been all right. I'm in my second summer course, SED300. Education of students with disabilities. I try to like this class despite the fact it's at 8:00 am and most of the people in there intimidate me because they are either hyper-educationy (I cannot quite explain it, but it is absolutely annoying) or they seem to already have three-years' teaching experience under their belts. What is that? I thought that's why we're in college--to get certified to teach. Maybe they're substitute teachers or something. For the highly anticipated group project (sense the sarcasm), I've been assigned to a group that includes two of those folks, so maybe tomorrow I'll ask them what the heck the deal the is. That is, after the test. Yup, I already have a test. I just love education classes.

I imagine my attitude toward higher education and a career is evident. I've become a little frustrated with life in general. I hate to cheesily quote John when I say it might be a quarter-life crisis, but I hope that's all it is. I've spent a good deal of the summer looking for a job, and I somehow have managed to successfully remain unemployed. It bothers me that I can't find a job. How pitiful am I that I cannot be hired? I need a job because I need some sort of income. I need to fund my education. Yes, I have student loans, but those have to be paid back after I graduate. I haven't seen the likes of a scholarship for a long time. Isn't there something wrong when I maintain a 4.0 for two semesters in a row and cannot get any scholarship money? As for paying back those loans, I wonder if I'll have a job so that I can. I harbor an anxiety about my major. It's not that I don't want to teach, but being the confidence-free person that I am, I'm mortified that I won't be able to do it. And so it is a circle. I need a job because I need to pay for my education because I need a job that I'm afraid I cannot do. Soon, I will succumb to the mental illness that runs rampantly through my family tree.

So I worry too much. I'm aware of it, and I'm trying to work through it. I do believe that everything works out, but I also know it's not easy. But I guess knowing that everything is going to be okay helps me face the challenge. Is that hope? Or faith? Or both? Either way, it's what I need to keep going.

Yeah, so I'm sorry to bombard you with such emotional garbage. Well, I wouldn't call it necessarily emotional or garbage. These are the things that life is made up of. Not that life is all bouts of depression and doubts about the future, but I think it's healthy. To know your life is progressing. Struggle gives way to progress, learning, and experience. Maybe it's a version of "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Okay, now I'm going to apologize for subjecting you to my stream of consciousness.

Enough, enough. I'm putting this tired blog entry to an end. Oh, yeah. The apartment is good, in case you're wondering. You should come visit.

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