Sunday, October 03, 2004

sunday circus

Sundays. They are kind of strange days. There are certain days of the week that get their very own feeling. Mondays have a certain feel. Fridays have a certain feel. Saturday, now, it has a slightly confusing feel to it. Like it's not sure if it's Friday or Sunday. But Sunday, it has its own feeling. And I think it might be different for everyone, but regardless, there's something different about a Sunday.

I slept too late again. And then I just laid there in bed. Thinking. And hitting the snooze button on my phone even though I was awake. After taking my precious time getting showered and such, I did the whole weekend thing and went to Sissy's to see the family. That was a short visit. I didn't get to Calvert until 2:00, and I had to leave a little after 4:00 so I could be here to work by 5:00. While I am here, I need to work on my research paper that, no, I haven't worked on yet. I always find something much more meaningless and entertaining to do. And it's not that I mind doing the work. I just have such a difficult time getting started. And by the time I get home, it'll almost be 9:00, and I'll have to go to bed somewhat early because I have to be at work again at 8:00 tomorrow morning. Then where will the day have gone? I don't like days that pass before I know it. Because they turn into weeks, months, and years that have passed, and I'll never know where they went. That's such a scary thought to me. So Sundays give me an eerie feeling. And I wish they didn't.

I feel like I need to be somewhere different for a little while. Another state maybe? More like another state of mind. I feel like I have a million things I need to stop and think about, but they are just external to me. I need to go somewhere where I can reach out, grab those thoughts, and pull them inside so that I can deal with them. They are ideas, beliefs, concerns, whatever that belong inside me, and I'm not quite sure what it is that is inside me right now. Nothing, maybe. Futility. And I don't like it. Everything feels like a chaotic mess.

This is what I want to do. You know that part in Big Fish when Edward Bloom is at the circus and he sees the woman he will love forever and time basically stops? He's walking toward her, and there happens to be some popcorn hanging in the air and he pushes some of it away? I want time to stop like that and let me move some things around. I don't really want to change things, I just want to rearrange them. Or at least look at them long enough to understand what's going on around me. But just like in Big Fish, after time starts again, it speeds up to make up for that lost time, and by then, I would just be confused again.

Maybe that whole analogy made no sense whatsoever. Besides its impossibility, it really wouldn't work anyway. But it's just the feeling I get. Kinda like being in a circus. So many things going on at once. Maybe if I could just see that one thing that I will love forever, time will stop long enough to sort things out, and then it'll all be okay.

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