up, down

Today has been a myriad of things.

Rewarding.
Confusing.
Surprising.
Disappointing.
Relieving.
Exciting.
Intimidating.
Relaxing.
Frustrating.
Exhilarating.
Draining.

If there's anything I've learned from this day, it is this: It just won't do to be guided about by circumstances and the emotions those circumstances bring. Emotions are okay. We need to feel to be alive. But I can't let them control me or else I would have been in complete tumult today. Okay, so maybe I was, and I have suspicions it was a microversion of what being a manic-depressive feels like. It was quite unhealthy. Equally unhealthy is the stoicism -- also commonly known as indifference or apathy -- that I find so inviting. Either way, I'd be letting emotions (or the lack thereof) determine my state of being.

To look for the good things in life and hope they outweigh, or at least overshadow, the bad seems a bit flimsy, don't you think. I don't think that if I sat down, tallied all the things that happened today in a two-column chart, and compared the number of marks I would be able to mathematically determine today was good or not. I'm actually beginning to wonder if there are such things as good and bad experiences. Experiences are just experiences, and they make us who we are whether we like them or not. The glass is not half full or half empty. It's just a half a glass of water.

I know I'm throwing lots of seemingly bold statements out there. But they're really just considerations. Not mantras or even beliefs. Just thoughts. They're hardly even logical thoughts either. I'm crossing way too many concepts (goodness and badness, enthusiasm and stoicism, optimism and pessimism) to be making any sense. And I'm thinking it's not a balance or a teetering sophrosyne I'm looking for.

I guess I'm going back to that search for that constant, that immovable foundation that I know is there. I know what it is. But knowing what it is doesn't mean I find it without looking.