Tuesday, April 27, 2004

so it looks like it's time for an update

As most of you (or all of you) already know, I'm moving out off-campus next semester. It hasn't in any way been an easy decision. I am proud to say, however, that my decision to do this has not come from any outside influences. You know I avoid decision-making and risk-taking like ten plagues, but I feel like I've made one of the first steps toward growing up a little bit. I'm not saying I'm a full-blown realist or anything, but I guess I've realized lots of things.

The first one of those is that I have to make progress. Yes, it requires change, and yes, I am scared of it. But I have a peace about it. I know now that I'm getting somewhere. It's not that I don't like residential college life. I wouldn't trade these last two years. I feel like it has taught me so much and given me a foundation for future experience. But two years is enough. I do not want to graduate college and be spat out into the real world having spent four years in the dorm. I feel like it is time to make my next step toward growing up and be on my own a little. I still wouldn't call it the real world because, honestly, I still won't be supporting myself. It's about growing up, not sprouting up over night. And you may be thinking, Why are you so bent on growing up? Well, I'm just as scared of growing up as the next kid. (A little shout-out to Blewis: I've got Peter Pan syndrome, too.) But what I am more scared of than growing up is growing up and not being prepared. To keep myself from freaking out about the future, I've always told myself that I'll be ready for the next step when it comes. It's like being in junior high and being scared of college. Well, easy, dawg. You gotta get through high school first, and then you will be ready. I feel like this is a middle step that I need to take.

Another thing I've realized over the past two years is that I thrive on being alone. Granted, living by myself may make me want to let a wild animal gnaw my eyeballs out, but I seriously doubt it. It will definitely be a drastic change from the setting I'm in right now. Again, there is nothing I've loved about this experience quite as much as I've loved the eternal slumber party it has been. But maybe that's part of what's got me thinking it's time to go. With so many people around, I feel like sometimes I don't have room to breathe or think. And maybe it's the psuedo-only-child coming out in me, but I'm kinda tired of living in a group effort. But it's not like I'm going to be a hermit, the UnaBomber, if youwill. Yes, efforts to sustain relationships will have to be made. Maybe that's the best way of testing a friendship, though. Real friendships survive on more than constant physical presence. And it's not like I'm transferring schools or moving more than two minutes away.

Ah, and then there is that. I'm not exactly sure where I'm living yet, but there's no turning back. I went by housing and cancelled my room request today. But it's not as if there was a chance of turning back. I'm absolutely firm in my decision, and I am actually very excited about it. I'm not nervous at all, and that's huge for me. I honestly never thought I'd see the day when I was ready to move on. But geez, that almost sounds cheesy. It's not like this is some outlandish decision. Kids make this decision every day. Sophomores campus-wide are seeing their last days of on-campus living right now, too.

And it is bittersweet. The convenience of living on-campus is unmatched. I'll join thousands of commuters in the War on Parking. There may be many a day when I have to pack a sack lunch and set out on my pilgrimage from Yonder Gravel Lot to campus. But then again, there will be no more circling the dorm lots like a buzzard trying to find a parking spot at 10:30 at night. There will be no more floor meetings or door decs or housing-keying-ins. But I'll finally get to light a candle or two. So when I burn the place down, it will just be me and the people in my complex instead of me and the entirety of Springer College. ;-) I don't know. There are some things I'll miss, and there are some things I certainly will not.

I remember the first day I moved into Springer. It seems only moments ago, now. But I sure was young. I didn't want to stay here long. In time, I learned to love it. I adapted to it like a duck to water. And at some point, I thought maybe I'd never leave. Now I am ready to, but the reasons are so different. The two years have flown by, and I'm not who I was when I came in. Springer has been good to me. I've realized a lot about myself. But it's high-time. I'm ripe for leaving. I feel like I've taken all I can from this experience, and I'm not too immature to leave. But this place has started closing in on me, and I want to leave before it kills me.

So after today, I've got ten more days here. For academics' sake, you can't get me out fast enough. I cannot wait for classes and finals to cease. And the end of the semester always brings a longing to be out of the dorm, too, and I admit, I'm feeling it. But this is it. I might be reading, studying, and writing papers the whole time, but I want it to be good. I don't want to do anything differently. I want to remember life in Springer as it was. Home.

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