Sunday, November 09, 2003

what's going on

As usual, I'm blogging when I have much more "important" things to do. This being a fabulous means of procrastination, but this time, it doesn't feel like procrastination. I just really don't want to do my work. I'm just in a weird mood, not saying that my lack of work ethic constitutes a weird mood, however. But I sit here and think of all the stuff I have to do in the next month and I get something not unlike nauseaous. But then I think, hey, in a month all this stuff will be gone. Then I get excited, but then again, I get sad. Christmas break means being home. I love home, I do, but I love being here. This semester has been so different, in a good way. Due to circumstance, if that's what you want to call it, I think I've grown up in a couple ways. I can say that, but I can't really put my finger on examples of what I'm talking about. But I've also made so many new friends. Going home means not being able to see them. But getting away is good. I'm all for retreating out of a place you've been for so long. But sometimes, when you come back, what used to feel right feels foreign. Some aspects of home are starting to feel that way. I guess it's a "life goes on" situation. I've moved on. People at home have moved on. I shouldn't expect everyone to be on the same page anymore.

My sister called this morning (well, okay, it was like 1:00 pm, but I hadn't been up long, so this morning). She was on her way home from some women's Christian retreat thing. She was so excited. And she told me she wanted me to go next year, and the strangest feeling washed over me. The physical response to that feeling was me rolling my eyes. I just rolled my eyes at my sister's suggesting that I go to this retreat! (Before, of course, saying, "yeaaah...") What has gotten into me?! I can say that I feel like I've grown up a lot this year (not just this year, and last year, too), but I know I can say that I don't feel like myself anymore. The identity that I once had, the part of me that gave me peace in knowing that being me is going to be okay, I've somehow been giving it little, unnoticed pushes off this proverbial cliff. I'm not saying I used to be a religious nut-case and it's time to get back to that. No. I'm saying I'm a Christian and I've somehow lost sight of that, all the while playing some little hey, I can do Christiany things and it looks good game. It's a mindset that I've lost, or maybe it's a heartset.

Sorry, I didn't mean to subject you to my soul-searchings, but I guess you read this to see what's going on in my life. And there it is.

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